


Shattered

by SugarPill



Category: Trigun
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blood and Gore, Canon - Anime, Darkfic, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotional Hurt, Forced Institutionalization, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mass Murder, Memory Loss, Mental Breakdown, Multiple Personalities, Psychological Horror, Psychological Trauma, With Some Manga Influences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-12
Updated: 2014-12-12
Packaged: 2018-03-01 04:01:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2758829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SugarPill/pseuds/SugarPill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if everything you thought to be true was a lie? How much can someone endure before they break?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shattered

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published on FanFiction.net on 7.31.2005, edited 12.12.2014.

The first thing Vash noticed was that he could hear singing. It was a rich, mellow sound, imperfect, but certainly beautiful. He recognized the song...

"Are you awake?"

Vash slowly opened his eyes. He was lying on his back, on a blanket spread over the thick grass. He could feel the warmth of sunshine on his face, and smell the lush scent of summer in the soft breeze. Above him, the sky was impossibly blue, like in those fairy tales he used to read as a child.

"Rem..."

She sat beside him, exactly as Vash remembered her. Even in her normal t-shirt and jeans, Vash still thought she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Every detail was perfect, the way her dark hair fluttered in the gentle breeze, the way her mahogany eyes sparkled when she grinned, they way her tanned skin caught the afternoon sun.

"I had this dream," Vash said softly. He put his arm over his eyes to shield them from the sun. "I had this dream that everything was so terribly dry, even people's hearts." Vash remembered that place, even though he now realized it had all been just a bad dream. He marveled at how real it had seemed. "In a world like that, I kept wondering how people kept on living... what’s so funny?"

Rem was laughing, her eyes squinted with mirth. "You're too serious, Vash!" she giggled. "If you keep thinking such deep thoughts all the time, you'll be an old man before you know it!"

"But I thought you were the one who said I had an old soul," Vash joked.

"Yes, I did," Rem laughed. She tucked a strand of dark hair behind her ear. "But there is still much for you to do."

"What?" Vash gave her a puzzled look.

"You have much left to do. You have unfinished business."

"I don't understand." This wasn't how Vash remembered it. She wasn't supposed to say that. "What more could I do?"

Rem just smiled in return, but this time it seemed eerily fake, almost robotic. Suddenly she stood up and began to back away from him.

"Wait!" Vash yelled, sitting up. "Where are you going?"

"You can't live in the past forever, Vash."

He froze. The warm feeling was suddenly replaced with an icy wave that made his stomach drop.

Before Vash could say anything, he heard a strange cracking sound. He looked down at the grass. It took him a few seconds to realize the ground was breaking apart.

Vash jumped up. Small cracks were already tracing themselves around them, quickly growing and splintering into wide fissures. Clumps of grass and rock were breaking off and falling between.

Vash looked wildly at Rem. She was watching the ground with a sort of detachment as the earth around her began to split.  
"Rem!" Vash screamed. He ran to pull her to safety, but the ground in front of him suddenly fell away into nothingness. There was now a wide gap separating them. He couldn't reach her and the ground continued to crumble.

"Rem! You have to jump!" Vash reached his hands out towards her. "I'll catch you!"

She looked up, but didn't move from her spot. She was still smiling.

"Vash, take care of Knives."

"What?!" Vash shouted in surprise. "What are you doing? You have to jump!" The ground around her feet was breaking away in little chunks. A few more seconds and it would fall away completely.

"Wake up, Vash," she said. "Wake up."

Then the ground underneath her collapsed, and she fell into the abyss below.

______________________________________________________

"NO!"

Vash bolted upright, his eyes flying open. He was covered in cold sweat, making the sheets stick uncomfortably to his clammy skin. His chest was heaving from ragged gasps.

It was then that he noticed that he was definitely not in his motel room.

As his eyes adjusted to the harsh light, he automatically reached for his hip. Nothing. Confused, Vash looked down at himself. His holster and his gun were gone. His coat was gone too, and he was now dressed in a simple white tunic and loose pants. He checked his arm machine gun. No bullets. There was a plastic band around his wrist that had some kind of serial code stamped into it.

What the hell?

Had someone captured him? Had the bounty hunters finally caught up? Thoughts began racing through Vash's mind. He wiped the dried tears from his face and tried to get a grip.

_Calm down. Freaking out won't help. Look around._

Vash took stock of his surroundings. He was in a small room. The walls were white. The ceiling was white as well, with bright fluorescent lights inset in an alternating pattern. There were six of them. The floor was tiled, black and white. He guessed that the room was about ten by ten paces. It was bare except for the cot he was sitting on and a toilet in the corner. The only focal point was a window on the far wall. Behind the glass was blackness.

He strained his ears. Silence.

If before had been a dream, then what the hell was this?

______________________________________________________

"Would you like some tea?" the doctor asked.

The last thing Meryl wanted right now was tea, but she nodded numbly. Maybe if she pretended to be polite, it would make everything more civil. Maybe she could pretend that the last six hours hadn't existed.

As the short, balding doctor busied himself with making tea for the insurance girls, Meryl gazed around her. She was surprised that the doctor's study was much different from the rest of the ship they had seen so far. For one thing, it was warm. The furniture was made of smooth wood, not steel, and there was carpet on the floor instead of hard tile. The room seemed almost cozy. Almost all of the available wall space was devoted to bookshelves, each one lined with row after row of volumes. They sagged slightly, like the weight of the knowledge they carried was too much for them. Meryl knew the feeling.

The doctor set two steaming mugs on the desk, and motioned for them to drink. They did, Milly gulping hers down thankfully, Meryl forcing herself to swallow. It was sticky and salty-sweet, leaving a taste of copper in her mouth. Like blood and bile. Meryl resisted the urge to throw up as the hot liquid slid down her throat.

Meryl suddenly noticed how heavy the silence was. The doctor sat across from them with folded hands, regarding them with a wise sympathy from behind his desk. Milly hiccuped slightly beside her as she cradled her mug timidly. The feeling to break the mood was overwhelming.

"Sir, we really appreciate you coming when you did," Meryl said politely, setting her mug down on the desk.

"You're very welcome," said the doctor. "But please, call me Doc."

"Thank you, Doc. We couldn't think of anyone else to call..." Meryl's voice trailed off.

"I understand. You did the right thing."

Beside her, Milly sniffled and tried in vain to wipe her face with the hanky she had been gradually shredding between her fingers. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying. She was still trembling.

"Will Mr. Vash be okay?"

"At this point, we really don't know much," the doctor said. "I have seen this condition a few times before, but I will want to observe Vash before I make and crucial decisions." He rubbed his temples and sighed. "I wish I could be more reassuring, but treatment will take time. It will be very difficult for him."

Milly whimpered and began to cry again. Meryl took her friend's hand clumsily, even as she felt new tears well up in her own eyes.

"But he could recover?" Meryl asked. She felt ashamed that her voice had cracked with emotion. "He could come out of this, right?"

"Yes. And if I know Vash, he will fight as hard as he can to do so." Doc smiled reassuringly. "But it will take time, time he'll have to spend here for his, and everyone else's, safety." The weight of these words made Meryl's stomach knot.

"Now, I must ask something of you two," Doc said carefully. "I know it will be hard, but it will help immensely with Vash's treatment if you could tell me exactly what happened when he had his... episode." The doctor had referred to both of them, but he was looking at Meryl. She cleared her throat, her gaze falling to her lap.

"It all happened so quickly," she whispered. Meryl had wanted her voice to come out stronger, but her throat suddenly felt constricted. "When Vash... lost it... I..." She pressed her lips together to keep them from trembling. "I didn't know what to do. I felt so helpless, I-"

Suddenly she stopped and collapsed into tears, her shoulders heaving and her fists clenched tightly in her lap. "I didn't know what to do..."

Milly wrapped her arm around her friend, pulling her close. All of the anguish that Meryl had been suppressing flowed out into uncontrollable sobbing as she pressed her face into the big girl's jacket. Vash had needed her and she hadn't known what to do. He had needed her help, and she failed him. She wasn't strong enough.

Doc waited patiently until Meryl was able to breath properly again. Slowly, her sobbing quieted and her shoulders relaxed slightly. When he spoke, his voice was soft, comforting.

"Why don't you start from the beginning?"

Meryl nodded, hiccuping and wiping her face. It was such a simple idea, but it calmed her enough so that she could speak. She took a deep breath and began.

______________________________________________________

Vash was pacing. He knew it was because he was on edge, and he knew it wasn't going to make him calmer, but he couldn't help it. It had been approximately two hours since he had awakened, and nothing had happened. No one had come to kill him, to explain, or to help him escape. The building hadn't blown up, assuming he was in a building. No bounty hunter had come to fight, assuming there was a bounty hunter that had put him there. Too many assumptions. Vash didn't like assumptions. And he really didn't like being cooped up in a small space, waiting for an answer. Assuming there was a question.

Vash had been over every detail of the white room. Twice. There was absolutely nothing to suggest where he was, if anyone else was there, or even if it was day or night. The walls seemed to be made out of steel or some kind of other hard metal, and he couldn't locate a door. He had peered into the dark window again and again, and no matter how hard he squinted or how hard he pressed his face against the glass, he couldn't see a thing.

All the ambiguity was really starting to piss him off.

Vash had to think about something else. He sat down on the cot and tucked his feet underneath the sheet. It was cold in the room, and whoever had put him in there hadn't bothered to give him a pair of goddamn socks.

Suddenly Vash's stomach growled. The noise was so loud that it actually echoed off the walls. Great. Now he was cold and hungry. The last time he had eaten had been a while ago, at the motel.

"Hello?" Vash called out. His voice sounded huge in the silence. "Is there anyone there? I don't mean to be rude, but I'm getting kinda hungry."

No answer.

"I mean, if you're going to keep me in here, you might as well feed me," he said. His words reverberated around the room. "A couple of salmon sandwiches and a glass of water would be nice."

Still nothing.

"Maybe something stronger than water?"

Silence.

"Goddamn it!" Vash yelled. He jumped off the cot. "Why are you keeping me here? Who are you? Huh?!" He threw himself at the nearest wall, feeling slightly more empowered at the sound and pain of his chest smacking the surface. He was trapped, but that didn't mean that he had to sit down and be calm. He turned around and threw himself at the opposite wall, creating the same effect. Soon he was spinning around the room, faster and faster, ricocheting off the walls as he went. The movement only fueled his anger.

Suddenly, he was in front of the window. He pressed his face against the glass and tried to peer through the darkness. "Are you watching me?" he accused, he hot breath fogging on the window's cold surface. "What is this, some kind of sick game?!"  
When he was answered only by the sound of his own ragged breathing, Vash yelled in frustration and punched the glass. That did nothing but split his knuckles open, leaving a smudge of blood on the glass' dark surface. He hardly felt the pain.

"Why are you doing this?" Vash screamed. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!"

"Vash, there's no need to be upset."

He froze. The voice seemed to be coming from everywhere and nowhere all at once, booming so forcefully that it filled the entire room.

"Who are you?" Vash yelled. He spun around, trying to figure out where the voice had come from. "Where am I?"

"This is Doc, Vash. I would greatly appreciate it if you would calm down."

"Doc?" Vash asked incredulously. "What's going on?"

"I will tell you, but you must promise to relax," Doc explained. His voice seemed to be coming over some sort of intercom system that fed into the room. "If you don't calm down, you might hurt yourself."

Vash looked down at his bleeding hand. In his movement, a few drops had fallen from the wound and splattered on the floor, the red contrasting harshly with the black and white tile. Vash shrugged his shoulders, but couldn't stop the crazed laugh that escaped his lips. "A little late for that, Doc."

"Vash, please sit down, and I will tell you everything."

Vash nodded and sat down on the cot, tucking his feet underneath him. Doc's voice had a calming effect on him, and he felt his anger and confusion lessen for the moment.

"Vash, you're on the New Oregon ship," Doc explained. "Meryl Strife and Milly Thompson are here as well."

"The insurance girls?" Vash asked bewilderedly. "How did they get here? And how did I get here?"

"Vash, you're going to have to listen to me without interrupting. Can you do that?"

The childish nature of Doc's instructions were starting to grate on Vash's nerves, but his curiosity made him comply. "Okay."

"Vash, do you remember anything prior to this?"

The question seemed ridiculous, and Vash opened his mouth to say so, but then closed it. If it was so ridiculous, then why was he drawing a blank? His memory was fuzzy, all hazy and clouded, like there was cotton stuffed in his brain. He could feel that something was there, but it was hidden behind a curtain that he couldn't see through. Like a dream that he knew he'd had, but couldn't remember when he woke up.

"I remember everything up until I fell asleep in my motel room last night," Vash said. "But then after that... I don't know, it's like there's this blank, a gap of some kind. Something... I don't know. What's going on, Doc?"

"Are you sure you don't remember?" Doc coaxed. "Think hard, Vash."

He did. Vash squinted his eyes, trying to see something that wasn't in front of him. He could feel it, just out of grasp. What was it? What was there? Vash closed his eyes and concentrated his entire mind of trying to lift the curtain. Suddenly, there were pictures in his head.

_swipe swipe went the blade it cut through the air so easy it was all so easy the red everywhere all over Him the others everywhere laughing maniacal triumphant then screaming she was screaming_

Vash sucked in breath so hard that he choked, coughing violently. He jumped up from the cot, his breathing labored and his mind racing.

"What the hell?!" Vash yelled. "What the hell was that?!"

"Vash, calm down!" Doc's voice urged over the intercom.

"What's going on? What's happening?!"

"Take it easy! Vash, you have to calm down!"

"Calm down? Calm down?!" Vash yelled. "Did you see that?!"

"What did you see, Vash?"

"I saw... I saw..." Vash stood still, trying to come up with the words to describe the horrific images. He noticed vaguely that he was shaking.

"What, Vash?"

"There were lots of people. And then... there was blood everywhere... so many people..." Vash trailed off, his stomach turning over as he recalled the pictures. Suddenly, he looked to the dark window. "Something happened, didn't it?" he asked quietly.

"Yes, Vash," Doc said. His voice sounded grave. "Something did happen."

"What?" Vash asked, walking to the window and placing his hands against the glass. "What happened, Doc?"

"Vash..."

"What was it?" Vash repeated, his voice rising. He sounded desperate, almost like he was begging. "Tell me!"

Vash heard Doc sigh over the intercom. "What I am about to tell you will be hard for you to hear, Vash," he began slowly. "Some of it will be very hard. But above all, you must promise that you will trust me."

"What-"

"Vash, say 'I promise'".

Vash paused. A thousand questions were burning in his throat, but Doc's tone was beginning to scare him. He had only heard his voice this heavy once before, after July. Whatever it was, it had to be serious. Something was very wrong.

"I trust you, Doc. I promise."

"Good." Doc paused for a moment, carefully choosing his words. "As you said, something did happen. There was an incident in Espora."

"Espora?" Vash asked, his brows furrowing in confusion. "But that's where me and the girls were staying..."

"Yes. There was an attack on the town that occurred just after midnight."

"Are the girls okay?" Vash asked worriedly. "They weren't hurt, were they?"

"No. They were unharmed."

The way that Doc said 'they' made Vash's breath catch in his throat. He felt as though his blood had suddenly turned to ice. "What about the others? The townspeople..." Even as he spoke, Vash felt as though he already knew the answer.

"There were many fatalities," Doc said carefully. "From what the authorities can gather, the number is somewhere between one and two hundred."

Vash's shoulders sagged like a puppet whose strings had been severed. With a defeated whimper, he sank to the floor, cradling his face in his hands. Even though the glass window, it could be seen that he was crying.

"Vash..." Doc said, meaning to offer some words of comfort. But he fell short, not knowing what to say.

"All those people..." Vash said quietly, his emotions making his voice crack. He felt so helpless. All those people had been killed, and he was sitting on the floor, crying like a lost child. It was so useless, so wasteful, all of the ruthless malice. They were all dead. All of them. All because of him. The guilt weighed upon him so heavily, crushing him down until it was almost too much.

Then he was filled with an indescribable anger. It was wrong, all of it, so wrong. How could someone do that? What right did someone have to take the life of another? He lifted his face, his eyes filled with burning vindication, his cheeks still streaked with tears. He uttered just one word.

"Who?"

Doc was silent. In his heart, Vash knew there was only one person who could do such a thing.

"Knives..." he hissed.

"No, Vash, it wasn't Knives," Doc said slowly. The doctor didn't know if what he was doing was right, but Vash needed to know. He needed to know, and it was Doc's responsibility to tell him.

"It was you, Vash."

______________________________________________________

Meryl's hand was pressed so firmly over her mouth, it felt like it was permanently attached there. Her eyes were shining with tears that had been brimming and her face was wet with ones that had already fallen. Beside her, Milly was wearing the same expression. Scared. She looked so scared, her normally cheerful face contorted into one of realized fear. It looked so foreign. All of this, it seemed so surreal, like any moment she would wake up, and this would all be a bad dream. But it was real. Meryl clamped her hand harder to her mouth, suppressing an anguished sob.

Doc had led the girls to a small room that had a window. Through it, they could see Vash, although Doc had informed them that Vash couldn't see them. They had both watched as the doctor told Vash what had happened in Espora, his words barely relaying the horrific story that Meryl had told. Doc said that the less details, the better it would be for Vash. He wanted to see if he could remember on his own, if given a few prompts. Also, he didn't want to upset Vash more than necessary. Meryl had almost laughed at the irony. Almost meaning that she felt like she was going to throw up, again.

Meryl almost envied Vash. What she had seen... it would haunt her for the rest of her life, to say the least. And yet Vash couldn't seem to remember any of it. She would give anything to be as blissfully ignorant. But at the same time, it was over for her. She had already seen it, and would have nightmares afterwards, but it was over for her. For Vash, the nightmare was just beginning.

Through the window, she could see Vash. He was still sitting on the floor, having not moved since Doc had told him. Vash was responsible for the massacre in Espora. If Meryl was having difficulty understanding, she couldn't imagine what Vash was going through. His expression was blank, as if he couldn't process the information he had been given. Meryl wasn't even sure if he was still breathing.

"What?" Vash's voice was barely audible over the intercom.

"You were the one who... killed those people," Doc said slowly. Meryl couldn't see the doctor's face because he was facing the window, but she could hear the emotion in his voice. She remembered Vash had told her once that Doc was the closest thing that he had for a father. "You, Vash."

Vash still hadn't moved. He had one knee tucked underneath him, the other securely held by his arms that were wrapped around it. He simply sat there and stared at the floor.

"But... but... I would... I would never..." Vash was stuttering and slurring, like he was drunk. "I would never... do... do... that..."

"I'm afraid you did, Vash. I'm sorry... but you did."

"No... I would never..."

"Vash, I'm so sorry."

"No... never would... no..."

"Vash?" Doc asked, his tone changing into one of concern. "Are you all right?"

Suddenly, Vash stood up. He quickly approached the window and tried to peer through it, to see who was on the other side. 

"Who's back there?" he asked.

"I'm here, Vash," the doctor said slowly. "Doc. Remember?"

"No, who's really there?"

"Vash, it's me, Doc. Meryl and Milly are here as well."

Vash looked down, as if he was satisfied. Then he suddenly started to laugh.

"Vash?" Doc asked. "Are you all right?"

"Never better," he answered sarcastically, still laughing. The noise was harsh and eerie, rising in both volume and pitch. It was making Meryl's skin crawl. It made Vash sound... crazy. Beside her, Milly fumbled for Meryl's arm and grasped it tightly, letting out a little whimper.

Vash was laughing so hard that his shoulders were starting to shake. "I can't believe I actually thought that you were my friends."

"Vash, we are your friends," Doc explained. He was attempting to keep his voice calm, but Meryl could hear the edge in his words. "We're here to help you."

"No! No, no, no..." Vash said, still chuckling. He backed up from the window until he was in the center of the room. "But I must admit, I was fooled for a moment."

"What are you talking about, Vash?"

"I knew this was a trap. A very good one, at that." Vash spread his arms open with his palms out, in mock surrender. "And quite twisted, ever for you, brother."

"Vash...?" Doc questioned. Meryl glanced at Milly, who looked as confused as she felt.

"Only you, brother," Vash said, shaking his head. "Would think of something so twisted. Is this your new form of ultimate suffering? To make me think I'm going crazy?

"Vash, Knives is not responsible for this," Doc said firmly. "Myself, Meryl and Milly are the only ones that are here."

"Right. I should have known," Vash said coldly. "Only you would be able to do something so cruel."

"Knives is not responsible for putting you here, Vash. Knives was not responsible for the massacre at Espora."

"I would never do something like that," Vash spat, disgusted. "No one ever has the right to take the life of another!"

"Yes," Doc replied. "But you did."

"No! I would remember something like that! This is some kind of sick game, and I'm not falling for it!"

"Vash, please calm down."

"No! I'm not going to calm down!" Vash was yelling now. "Let me out of here!"

"Vash, you have to relax. Why don't you go sit-"

"NO!" Vash roared, taking hold of the cot and throwing it across the room in rage. "Show yourself, Knives!"

"Vash-"

"No more games! Come out from behind there and face me!"

"Vash, Knives isn't here!" Doc yelled. By this point, Milly had dissolved into sobs again. Meryl wanted to run to Vash, comfort him. She wanted to run out of the room, turn away. Anything to make the madness that was unfolding before her stop. But she was frozen in place, unable to move.

"Then prove it!" Vash challenged. "Show yourself!"

"Vash, Knives can't be here!"

"Oh, and how is that?" Vash laughed in disbelief. "How can Knives not be behind this?!"

"Because Knives is dead."

______________________________________________________

Vash tried laughing again, but couldn't seem to get the noise out. He wanted to yell and say that Doc was lying, but the way he had spoken those last words seemed to have forced all of the air from Vash's lungs. It felt like someone had suddenly punched him in the gut. So he just stood there and drew in wheezing breaths.

It was absurd. Surely, it couldn't be true. He told himself that it couldn't be true. It wasn't, was it? Surely he would have known if Knives had died. He would have known if his own brother was dead. He would have known, would have felt it. Wouldn't he?

"You're lying," Vash accused, but his tone was too flat to be threatening.

Suddenly, a light turned on from behind the window. Vash looked up and saw Doc standing behind the glass. He looked as he always looked, except for his expression. Now it was solemn and serious, a far cry from his usual cheery demeanor. Vash walked to the window and placed his hands against it. Doc mirrored his image, so only the glass prevented them from touching.

"See, Vash," Doc said slowly. "It's just me. I would never lie to you."

"But... I would have known," Vash said, shaking his head angrily. "I would have felt something..."

"I know this is hard for you to accept, Vash. I'm sorry."

Without removing his hands from the glass, Vash began to cry. It was as if Doc's words had opened a dam of emotions that Vash had hardly been able to contain. His face contorted in anguish and tears ran freely down his cheeks, his shoulders shaking slightly as he gasped for breath between sobs. He left his head droop, tears falling from his cheeks and dripping onto the floor.

Vash cried to mourn his brother. His brother, the only family he'd ever had., besides Rem. He felt like there was a hole inside of him, where Knives had always been. He would like to think it was his heart. His relationship with Knives could hardly be described as civil, but despite everything, Vash still loved him. As hard as he tried, Vash couldn't hate his brother. Knives was the only one who had ever really understood him.

But Vash also cried in relief. Now that Knives was gone, he could no longer hurt anyone else. His brother had taken pleasure in making others suffer, because he knew it was the one thing Vash couldn't stand. Vash knew that eventually, he would have to face his brother, confront him. But Knives died before he could. Vash was pained by his brother's death, but he felt, guiltily, glad. He would never have to face Knives, the only person he had truly ever feared.

"When?" Vash asked tearfully.

"Over a hundred years ago."

Vash's breath hitched in his throat. He looked up in surprise and confusion, removing his hands from the window. "What?"

"Knives has been dead for over a hundred years," Doc said quietly.

"What are you talking about?"

"Knives died as a result of the Great Fall that brought humanity to this planet," Doc explained. "He was killed in the crash."

"No, that... that can't be..." Vash said, confused. "We were both in that escape pod. I lived with him for years afterwards!"

"No, Vash. You only think that you did."

"What?" He asked sharply. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You're sick, Vash," Doc said. "That's why you're so confused."

"Sick? I'm not sick, I feel fine!"

"No, I don't mean physically," the doctor said slowly. "I mean mentally."

Vash paused for a moment and just stared at Doc. His eyes were unreadable underneath his furrowed brows, his face as blank as a wall. Was he hearing right? Was the person Vash had trusted the most telling him that he was nuts?

"You think I'm crazy," Vash said quietly. It was supposed to be a question, but his voice was so that the meaning was hard to tell.

"No," Doc said firmly. "You're not crazier than anyone else. But you do have a mental illness, one you've probably had most of your life."

"Mental illness..."

"I believe you are suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder," Doc explained. "It's a mental disorder that causes you to dissociate from reality to escape trauma and, in effect, create alternate entities."

"I don't understand."

"Do you remember when I asked you to trust me, Vash?" Doc asked. "This is where that is of utmost importance."

Vash didn't say anything. He simply wiped his nose and nodded.

"I know this is a lot to take it, but please listen." Doc took a deep breath and began. "Throughout their lives, people experience painful things. It is a part of living. But when these things are extremely hard or emotionally damaging, they are referred to as traumas. I think you would agree that you have experienced such things before."

Vash snorted in response. He didn't speak, slight gestures being the only things that indicated that he was still listening. His eyes seemed to be staring somewhere over Doc's left shoulder. They were unfocused and blank, like Vash had completely shut down.

"Because of these traumas, people have to come up with ways to cope in order to survive. Some people dissociate, or remove themselves consciously, in their minds, away from a situation. While they are 'away', and alternate entity takes over, one who is stronger and better equipped to deal with the pain. This way, the host can forget the situation even happened and continue to function normally. The more a person dissociates, or switches, the more developed an entity can become. Sometimes these alternate entities can be referred to as alternate personalities."

Vash's head snapped up and he fixed his gaze on Doc. "Alternate personalities?"

"Yes. You recall that I told you that Knives had been dead for over a hundred years?"

"Yeah, but that can't-"

"In response to his death, you created a personality that was stronger, one that could cope with the loss of your brother," Doc continued. "Ever since then, this personality has become more and more complete. In essence... you recreated Knives in your own mind."

Vash fell silent. In every way possible, he was stunned. A million questions, protests and demands were running through his mind, but nothing could mask the buzzing sound that had filled his head. His arms dropped limply to his sides and he sank to his knees, seeming unaware of his actions. The room, Doc, everything, disappeared. All that Vash was left with were the buzzing and the emptiness.

"Vash?" Doc asked loudly. He knew that this information would be difficult to hear, but he was determined not to let Vash sink into the recesses of his mind. If he transitioned, there would be little that he could do. After a moment, Vash spoke. His voice was uncharacteristically dull.

"Does that mean... that Knives isn't real?"

"In a manner of speaking, yes. Ever since his death, he was only something that your mind created."

"So..." Vash looked up. Doc could see the fear that was clearly evident in his eyes. It was a silent plea, a begging, helpless petition that cut him to his heart. "...Does that mean I really... killed... all those people?" _Please tell me it's not true. Please make it all go away..._ But as much as the doctor wanted to, he couldn't. Even he couldn't change the truth.

"Yes."

At that moment, something inside Vash broke. He had been treading on the edge of the cliff between good and evil, his own morality the only thing keeping him from falling into the abyss. What little goodness and vindication that had held him had snapped, and he plunged into the darkness of himself. At that moment, Vash felt his world, everything that he knew to be true, shatter.

"Oh God..." Vash pulled his knees to his chest, curling into himself as far as he could. "Oh no, oh God, no..."

"Vash," Doc said. "You have to stay with me. Look at me, Vash."

He did, but then his eyes darted away. His whole body was shaking, and his eyes were swiveling this way and that, not stopping long enough to really see anything. Vash began rocking back and forth, muttering to himself.

"Vash. Stay with me, Vash!"

"Oh God... oh God... no... no no no no..."

"Vash, you have to fight it! Look at me, Vash!"

Vash's eyes focused on the doctor's. For a moment, Doc saw a flicker of the goofy drifter he had met so long ago.

_It was summer, and the sky above was so blue. Vash could see Rem smiling at him, her dark hair fluttering in the breeze. Hearing a dark chuckle, Vash looked over his shoulder. There stood Knives, arms crossed over his chest, with his snide, sideways sneer. The two siblings regarded each other in silence before Knives spoke._

_"Brother... still attached to the past, I see." "You think you're not part of my past?"_

_Suddenly, Knives was directly in front of him, so close Vash could feel his brother's breath._

_"Hardly. I am your future."_

Vash cried out, his hands flying up to press against his temples. There was a sudden, agonizing pain in his head, like something was pressing on all side, and trying to get out, all at once.

"Vash!" Doc shouted.

Vash screamed, clutching his head. It was suddenly filled with images, each one distorted and flashing before his eyes. They were like the one he had seen earlier, only much, much worse.

_the knife felt so natural in His hands He ran His fingers over the handle the blade the smoothness of it so much power yet so much grace He smiled to himself_

_DIE HARDS_

_He grunted with satisfaction as the blade slid into the first one it penetrated it's abdomen slicing through the flesh like butter it screamed such sweet music then it fell to the dusty earth_

_THEN, BETWEEN THE WASTELAND AND SKY_

_ten twenty fifty soon He lost count as they fell like flies the blade made no discrimination men women children black white yellow it didn't matter_

_BLOOD AND THUNDER_

_they were all going to die_

_FRAGILE_

_they were all going to die every single disgusting one_

_SCARS_

_and He was the one who would kill them_

Vash screamed again and again, clawing at his temples and forehead. The images were burning in his mind, and he couldn't get them out. It was like a screen had been pulled over his eyes, and the projector was playing the carnage in his brain. He screamed, but he couldn't look away.

_they deserved their fate He was simply the instrument through which justice would be served but it wasn't just that_

_FIFTH MOON_

_He enjoyed it He enjoyed the feeling of the knife cutting out life the feeling of hot blood on His hands He dared say He loved it_

_DANCING REVOLVER_

_but love was something created by them so He despised it it meant nothing it couldn't save them couldn't save anything_

_DESPERADO_

_nothing could save them now nothing could repair the damage they had done everything that came in contact with them was wasted squandered away in greed and lust they never deserved any of it but had destroyed all_

_CEMENT_

_they were all dirty tainted they were all sinners every breath they took every lie they spew every time they spawned it was all sin_

_NO ESCAPE_

_the time had come for them to pay they had to pay for their sins they would pay with their lives_

"Vash!" Doc yelled. "Fight it, Vash! You have to fight, don't let him win!"

But Vash couldn't hear him over his own cries. He couldn't sense anything but the images that were appearing in front of him. He hadn't noticed that he was crying profusely, or that his fingernails had torn his skin, and blood was dripping down his face. He didn't notice that the agony had disrupted his muscle coordination, and that he had wet himself. All he could see, all he could hear, all he could feel were the agony and the images.

_He saw two figures standing before Him it was easy to notice as all the others had been slaughtered their bodies lying like dead weight in the sand the girls_

_BOTTOM OF THE DARK_

_they stood among the dead shocked by the sight it was almost amusing the terrified expressions they wore the blood shone in the setting sun bathing the carnage in and orange glow it was then that they began to scream_

_HOPELESS SINNER_

_the shorter one approached Him He stood silent His blade at His side still dripping with warm blood she demanded to know why why had He killed all these innocent people He laughed triumphant and maniacal innocent no not hardly_

_BREAKOUT_

_she continued to demand and answer He simply smiled in return it thrilled Him to see her in so much distress she was suffering she was suffering like she deserved He decided to leave her and the other so there would be witnesses to His coming_

_LOSS_

_she leveled her small gun at Him He stood there the smile still playing on His lips He knew she wanted to kill Him to gain revenge for all of the dead that lay around her it burned deep inside part of the sinful nature He stood and she stood her hand shaking her finger posed on the trigger_

_LET US WALK THE PATH TO REDEMPTION_

_with a sob she let the gun fall to the ground she collapsed to the dusty earth now thoroughly soaked with the blood of her equals His inferiors the other one came to her and they sat together crying they could mourn all they wished but their time would come as well soon the time would end for all of them_

Suddenly, Vash fell still. An eerie silence filled the white room.

______________________________________________________

Meryl had been holding her breath without realizing it. Vash lie still, curled on the floor in the fetal position. All she could hear was the stifled breathing of Milly mixed with her's and the doctor's. Doc had just finished telling Vash the truth when he gone into some kind of fit. He had screamed and clawed at his head, but there was nothing that they could do. They couldn't be in direct contact with him, the doctor had warned them. It would be too dangerous, for Vash and for them. There was no telling what he could do. He was too great a threat.

Meryl hated Vash being referred to as a 'threat', like he wasn't still a person. It was like he was a mad, caged animal. It was hard to tell if the animal itself was mad, or if the cage had made it that way.

But she had done nothing all the same. Meryl felt like she was rooted on the spot, like maybe if she didn't move, this would all go away. Milly stood beside her, the big girl's grip so tight on Meryl's arm that it starting to lose circulation. She had wanted to help, to do something besides just stand there. She wanted to hold Vash in her arms and comfort him. She wanted to tell him that it was all going to be okay, both for his sake, and for hers.

But she had done nothing. Just as she had done nothing when she had seen Vash standing there that fateful evening. All those people... and she had done nothing. She sat down in the dirt and cried, but she had done nothing. She was useless, standing by while her whole world crumbled.

Through the window, Meryl saw Vash stand up. His arms were at his sides, and his head was hung. Her breath caught in her throat.

"Vash?" Doc asked quietly. The doctor was severely shaken, but did his best to exude calmness. He had to believe that Vash had won, and that Knives had not taken over.

Slowly, Vash tilted his face up. Meryl gasped, and felt Milly tighten her grip on her arm. His face was covered in beads of sweat and streaked with tears and blood, his head tipped to the side at an unnatural angle. His eyes were glowering and baleful, his stare seeming to pierce through the window. A sinister smile played on his face, his lips curling into malice and revulsion. Meryl could feel his eyes burning a hole into her, his ice blue stare freezing her very soul.

_Vash, take care of Knives..._

He laughed out loud, the noise strangely high pitched and maniacal. It was dripping with disgust and disdain. The sound made Meryl's hair stand on end, like nails on a chalkboard. He could supposedly only see Doc, but when he spoke, his words were directed at Meryl. When she heard them, her heart all but stopped.

"You should have killed me while you had the chance, spider."

**Author's Note:**

> I came up with this idea after I noticed that while Knives is the main baddie of the series, you hardly see him in the anime, and if you do see him, he interacts with very few people. What are the random words capitalized during Vash's mental break? They're chapter titles from the manga. I wanted an abstract way to show that Knives has been there all along, and that his coexistence with Vash has been going on for some time. Is there any significance to the chapter titles chosen? Nope, just thought they sounded cool. Would this idea work for the length of the series? Probably not, hence the AU divergence. 
> 
> Yell at me on [Tumblr.](http://hersugarpill.tumblr.com/)


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